Comments on: Sit, Be Quiet: How to Support the Dying

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 19:53:14 +0000

In reply to Pamela. Pamela, thank you so much for your honest, vulnerable sharing. I think we all likely have regrets about things we have said or not said, done or not done when those close to us have been in pain. We each need to learn our own ways of being supportive, and this often is done through making mistakes and carefully considering them afterward. I am sure that you brought much love and many blessings into the lives of both your mother and your grandmother. And you bless us here with your transparency; I truly appreciate that.

By: Pamela

Pamela — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 19:44:31 +0000

I think that extreme fear caused me to be unsupportive and I lost a host of opportunities with my mother and grandmother as they approached the end of their lives, my grandmother from heart disease and my mother from small-cell lung cancer. I continue to be puzzled by how openly and easily I could talk to others about the “fact” that each was dying, but could not deal with the “reality” of their impending deaths. My brain (and heart) couldn’t process that I was really going to be without them or that they couldn’t really have terminal conditions. Time I could have spent just sitting with them was lost because I thought they needed to “conserve their strength” and not be disturbed. I don’t blame myself for not knowing what I just didn’t know, but the loss of special moments I could have shared with them will always be a regret.

I thank you for “schooling me” on how isolating it is to stay away from people at a time when they could use your love and support more than ever. Now that I have expressed an unpleasant truth about myself, I feel better able to sit and listen, talk, cry, or whatever else the person needs without the terrifying feeling that I need to run for the hills.

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 12:44:21 +0000

In reply to Zoe Kharpertian. Zoe, I am so sorry that your daughter died. And I am happy that she had you with her and had a wonderful hospice. I also love that blessing. Yes, community and love are true healers. It is my deepest prayer that each of us finds and creates more of both of those as we walk this path of being human. I am touched deeply by your story; thank you.

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 12:42:21 +0000

In reply to Nancy Long. Nancy, thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm glad the article touched you. And I am so grateful that you are contemplating work in end of life care. Your openness and willingness to learn are beautiful gifts that radiate ever outward.

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 12:40:54 +0000

In reply to Simone. Simone, I am so sorry your friend is dying. And I am so glad you are there for one another through "her last adventure in life" (what a beautiful phrase!). I think we have all done exactly what you have -- avoided others at times and repeated thoughtless phrases, all in response to our discomfort about illness, death, and dying. As we each learn and grow more, may we become more aware of ways to support one another. Blessings to you and your friend

By: Simone

Simone — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 06:10:00 +0000

Thankyou for this beautiful and thoughtfully written piece, Amy. It’s very timely for me to have read this at this point, as one of my close friends is terminally ill and I am spending time with her in her last days.
I’ve just completed a Cruse training and hoping to be a bereavement support volunteer- my training and writings like yours are helping me learn to be better at ‘being there’ for others in these, their most difficult of times.
This role isn’t and hasn’t always been easy for me.
I remember a time, many years ago when I crossed over to the other side of the road and ignored a friend whose father had just died as I didn’t know what to say to her. I’ve also been the person to say something like ‘you must be a strong person to have been given this challenge’ to a friend whose partner had just been diagnosed with brain damage. It hurts me deeply to think of the pain I probably inflicted on these friends. I don’t want to be that person any more.
Being able to be there for others isn’t something we are automatically born with. Perhaps we might be lucky enough to have been born to a family of thoughtful and kind people who can be role models for us. Or, as I am doing, we can look elsewhere and find others, like yourself, who can help teach us.
And, of course, our best teachers, as you point out, are people like my beautiful friend who is on her last adventure in life.

By: Nancy Long

Nancy Long — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 04:04:52 +0000

I’ve been thinking about the process of dying for some time. I’m turning 70 in November & know I am in the “final act” of this play. I want to learn more about dying. I think I’d like to volunteer in a hospice program. Study to be a death doula or something. I’m not sure how to find my way, but I am open to opportunities. I meditate daily and treasure the sitting, the silence, the just being. Thank you for this article. It has touched my deeply.

By: Zoe Kharpertian

Zoe Kharpertian — Tue, 08 Aug 2017 02:12:38 +0000

Thank you, Amy. I had the privilege of being able to spend the last 2 1/2 months of my daughter’s life with her, in a wonderful hospice. She died last summer at the age of 31 of metastatic breast cancer. I often felt rootless and confused, unsure of how to best support her and contain my own grief so as not to burden her with it. I was far from successful, but reading your article I realized that many times I seem to have done the right thing. I asked her a few days before she died if she was afraid, and the brief gentle talk we had — she was not, only annoyed her opportunities had been caught short — was a time of special intimacy, the memory of which I cherish deeply. I love the Jewish blessing, “Be comforted among the mourners.” Community, and love, are the true healers of our pain.

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 12:11:14 +0000

In reply to Dory Logan. Dory, I am so sorry that your son died. And it sounds like there was great beauty and love during his final days. It is my belief that he absolutely knew you there. And I know without a doubt that your presence was useful -- IS useful. Indeed, I think our presence is the most supportive, most loving thing we can ever offer one another. Thank you so much for sharing here.

By: Amy Agape

Amy Agape — Mon, 07 Aug 2017 12:08:06 +0000

In reply to Anne. Anne, I'm so sorry that your family had to go on that journey through dementia; it can be long and nearly unbearable at times. And there can also be great beauty and wisdom on the journey. It sounds like you experienced deepening awareness and intimacy with yourself through her dying, and I am so grateful to you for sharing a bit of that with us here.