\u201cRomeo and Juliet had to die; do you understand that?\u201d<\/h2>\n

My friends and I, sitting in our Ninth Grade Honor\u2019s English class, were flabbergasted when we heard Mrs. Feldhausen say this. \u00a0We drew in our breath in surprise and began to argue with her:<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, they didn\u2019t! \u00a0It was just a series of really foolish mistakes that led them to die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNothing had to happen; it\u2019s a story.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShakespeare could have written the story however he wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n

Our teacher patiently listened to each of our objections; and, when we had quieted down, she began to speak.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe love that is represented in this play is a love that must die. \u00a0So if Shakespeare had not killed the two characters experiencing that love, he would have had to kill the relationship in some way.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?!\u201d \u00a0we cried.<\/p>\n

\u201cTheir love was so true. \u00a0It should have continued forever.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIf they had lived, they would have had a wonderful life together.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cTrue love never dies!\u201d<\/p>\n

Mrs. Feldhausen continued to explain that she was referring to a specific kind of relationship \u2013 the vibrant, edgy, hormonally-charged connection that occurs at the beginning of many young love affairs \u2013 and that that does not survive. \u00a0It dies.<\/p>\n

Being vibrant, edgy, hormonally-charged 14 and 15 year olds, we knew that she was wrong. \u00a0She must never have been in love, we surmised; and, besides, she was just entirely out of touch with Romeo and Juliet \u2013 and with us. \u00a0What could she possibly know about young love? \u00a0She must have been at least 40!<\/p>\n

At the time, I did not believe Mrs. Feldhausen, but our discussion about Romeo and Juliet<\/i> planted a seed for me, a seed that has continued to grow into a blossoming awareness of life\u2019s little deaths. \u00a0I have returned to that day during my Ninth Grade year many times as I contemplate metaphysical and metaphoric deaths.<\/p>\n

A recap, for those of us who never read the play or have forgotten its plot: \u00a0boy meets girl; boy and girl fall in love; boy\u2019s family and girl\u2019s family have generations-old feud;<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

boy and girl vow to be together, regardless of the fact that their families will not allow it; boy and girl secretly marry; girl\u2019s family secures her engagement to another boy; girl follows advice from spiritual advisor to take a potion that will make her appear dead, thereby escaping marriage to other boy and making it possible to run away with boy; boy sees her and thinks she is actually dead; boy kills himself; girl wakesup and kills herself. \u00a0(for a more complete summary, jump over to Spark Notes<\/a>)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The story is not Shakespeare\u2019s invention; there are several previous versions. \u00a0Indeed, it may reflect an actual occurrence in Verona<\/a> in 1303<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Regardless of its factual authenticity, however, Romeo and Juliet is true. \u00a0It is true in its reflection of human nature and in what it has to teach us. \u00a0We learn that family feuds destroy the lives of everyone involved. \u00a0We learn that clear, consistent communication is vital in a relationship. \u00a0We learn that slow mail delivery can cause large problems.<\/p>\n

And of course we learn about death \u2013 not just about physical death. \u00a0It turns out Mrs. Feldhausen was right; Romeo and Juliet\u2019s young love, that phase in their lives, had to die. \u00a0Can you imagine them decades later, raising children and negotiating household responsibilities, navigating aging bodies and the forgetfulness of later years? \u00a0No, because those young people never made it there; they never would have made it there \u2013 at least not in this form. \u00a0It\u2019s not that their young love never existed or existed on some higher plane than other love. \u00a0It is not that young love is false or not as strong as the love shared between older persons. \u00a0Nor is it that young love is truer and stronger than that experienced later in life.<\/p>\n

It is just that that phase of their relationship had to die. \u00a0It happens to all of us, multiple times throughout our lives and throughout the years of long relationships. \u00a0Shakespeare doesn\u2019t allow them to live into middle age or old age, because even if they did, that specific kind of love, that way of relating would not live. \u00a0Lots of Romeos and Juliets lived. \u00a0They live today. \u00a0But that unique time of young love \u2013 with the fuel of hormones and illicit meetings — that doesn\u2019t live on forever. \u00a0<\/p>\n

And its death is just one of a multitude of little deaths we encounter throughout our lifetimes. \u00a0If we live long enough we will experience a variety of deaths: \u00a0deaths of relationships, of jobs, of communities, of living situations, of vibrancy and vitality as we age, of concepts of self, of identifications that have shaped us.<\/p>\n

Sages from all times and every portion of the globe have advised us to practice for death. \u00a0 Mohammed said we must \u201cdie before we die\u201d, and Jesus taught us to \u201cgive up our lives to save them\u201d. \u00a0 What do these things mean?\u00a0 Why would we want to practice for our own deaths?<\/p>\n

Medieval Christian monks would whisper in one another\u2019s ears, \u201cRemember: \u00a0you will die\u201d. \u00a0 And contemporary Buddhist practitioners spend hours on their meditation cushions experiencing death in their healthy bodies.\u00a0 So how can we do the same thing; how can we practice dying?<\/p>\n

Contemplating Romeo and Juliet<\/i> is a good place to start, as is connecting with the Romeo or Juliet we used to be.<\/p>\n

Death is not merely one final happening in a lifetime; it is not the finish line that we are forced toward as we take our final breaths.\u00a0 Rather, all deaths are integral to our life \u2013 both our final, physical deaths and all the smaller deaths we experience on the way to that last event.\u00a0 And we can use those smaller deaths both to help ourselves prepare for our physical dying and to help us live each of our days more abundantly.\u00a0 Without allowing ourselves repeatedly to die throughout our lives, we likely will find ourselves struggling against death as our physical bodies decline.\u00a0 We will resist the natural flow of life in our attempt to keep living, so that ultimately our obsession with living robs us of our ability to live fully.<\/p>\n

This was true for me. \u00a0I found myself thrust into the realm of little deaths the first time I was dying. \u00a0What I realized then was that I had never learned how to die; I had never learned to surrender to even the tiniest deaths in my life. \u00a0With each of my many moves throughout childhood and my young adult years, I had focused my attention and energy on my new home rather than the one I was leaving (often months before I had even relocated). \u00a0When a relationship ended, it was quickly replaced with a new one. \u00a0My awareness was always trained on the future, rather than on what was passing out of my life in the moment.<\/p>\n

As I struggled to learn how to die, I began to dream of all those deaths. \u00a0My days and nights were filled with images and memories of times, places, and people that had filled my world and had somehow been left. \u00a0And one of those memories was of that day in Mrs. Feldhausen\u2019s class. \u00a0Suddenly, her wisdom became clear.<\/p>\n

Romeo and Juliet did have to die, just as those phases, situations, and relationships of my earlier years had to die.<\/p>\n

But I had never grieved those endings. \u00a0I had never learned how to surrender to any of those little deaths in my life. \u00a0And I knew that I needed to start, because I had a whole treasure chest filled with unacknowledged losses; and it was causing me anguish as I tried to learn how to die.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a secret I rarely share, because it\u2019s one that many of us cannot comprehend: \u00a0sometimes those \u201clittle deaths\u201d have been more challenging for me than my three walks with physical death. \u00a0The most difficult aspect of dying is allowing ourselves to die, surrendering to the death that is occurring already. \u00a0And in my experience it can be even more challenging in metaphysical and metaphoric deaths. \u00a0Each time my body has been dying, I have been unable to hide that reality from myself and others for any period of time. \u00a0My body then actually supports my dying process. \u00a0Amazingly, those of us who are dying physically actually may have an advantage over those who inhabit healthy bodies, because our physical forms themselves aid in the process of surrender.<\/p>\n

Surrender is a kind of muscle that we can work. \u00a0But few of us take the opportunities to work that muscle that are presented to us every day. \u00a0And I promise, the more we work at surrender, the less we have to surrender when our final death eventually arrives.<\/p>\n

So how can Romeo and Juliet<\/i> teach us about surrender? \u00a0Can these young lovers guide us through our little deaths so that we are better prepared for our final surrenders?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s imagine a modern-day Romeo and Juliet. \u00a0Their relationship ends in one of the usual ways that young love ends today \u2013 a snarky text message or something unkind posted on social media; another cute boy or girl enters the picture or parents deny access to one another. \u00a0Thankfully, no physical deaths occur; but there is a significant death, one that needs to be grieved. \u00a0Rather than Romeo hanging out at the bars or Juliet posting an ad on an internet dating site to replace one another, each honors the end of the relationship. \u00a0They acknowledge this death and surrender to the grief it brings. \u00a0And, eventually, they are able to open to new relationships without carrying the disowned sorrow deep in their psyches.<\/p>\n

Or maybe our contemporary Romeo and Juliet stay in their relationship. \u00a0They grow up together; they even grow old together. \u00a0And they choose to honor the passing phases of their lifetimes in ways that allow them to surrender and grieve. \u00a0They use each little death \u2013 the death of his hearing, the death of her career, deaths of friendships and homes and treasured objects \u2013 to practice for their eventual physical deaths.<\/p>\n

As a hospice worker, I have companioned dozens of people through their physical journeys with death. \u00a0And, as a Spiritual Director<\/a>, I have also companioned dozens of people through these \u201clittle deaths\u201d. \u00a0And I promise \u2013 those little ones are of great benefit when we arrive at the final death of our life.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

So, if I were Spiritual Director for either Romeo or Juliet, I would hope to do a better job than Friar Lawrence did. \u00a0Once their relationship had ended, there would be a funeral \u2013 but not of the variety that we have in the play. \u00a0Rather I would lead the young lover through a ceremony to honor the relationship that had passed; I would support the grief that is vital to healing.<\/p>\n

Scholars have long argued about placing this play within Shakespeare\u2019s canon of true tragedies; many contend that the main characters do not have fatal flaws \u2013 a necessary component in tragedy (for a commentary on the play that is equally enlightening and entertaining, see Thug Notes<\/a>).<\/p>\n

Hamlet\u2019s indecisiveness, Macbeth\u2019s ambition, King Lear\u2019s pride \u2013 all fatal flaws that bring about total destruction. \u00a0Romeo and Juliet don\u2019t have flaws like that; maybe they would have had they aged into adulthood.<\/p>\n

The fatal flaw they have is one we all share: \u00a0they are humans who suffer many little deaths on the path to their final physical death. \u00a0\u00a0Like us, they had to die. \u00a0Like them, the teenager I was who raged against this notion also had to die.<\/p>\n

My children have both now also studied Romeo and Juliet in their Ninth Grade Honor\u2019s English classes. \u00a0And I have suggested Mrs. Feldhausen\u2019s theory to them. \u00a0Neither one really connects with it. \u00a0My daughter thinks I\u2019m totally out of touch and unromantic when I talk about such matters. \u00a0And my son contends that the only thing he learned from those star-crossed lovers is that \u201cShakespeare wrote some bad plays as well as good ones.\u201d<\/p>\n

I have no doubt that their opinions will change as they grow. \u00a0I also have no doubt that this growth will necessitate some little deaths, ones I hope they acknowledge and honor . . . just as I hope you acknowledge and honor each of the little deaths in your life.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cRomeo and Juliet had to die; do you understand that?\u201d My friends and I, sitting in our Ninth Grade Honor\u2019s English class, were flabbergasted when we heard Mrs. Feldhausen say this. \u00a0We drew in our breath in surprise and began to argue with her: \u201cNo, they didn\u2019t! \u00a0It was just a series of really foolish mistakes that led them to die.\u201d \u201cNothing had to happen; it\u2019s a story.\u201d \u201cShakespeare could have written the story however he wanted.\u201d Our teacher patiently listened to each of our objections; and, when we had quieted down, she began to speak. \u201cThe love that is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n