\u201cI\u2019m sorry. \u00a0Someday I\u2019ll be able to talk about her without breaking up,\u201d the man assured my husband and me. \u00a0Sitting across from him at a party, we were blessed to hear stories about his beloved wife who had died two years before. \u00a0Tales of dances and car rides during their courtship, narratives of their years raising children together, and accounts of her cancer journey and final days \u2013 one by one he took these precious gems from the treasure chest of his memory and presented them to us. \u00a0Woven throughout these stories were apologies and promises: \u201cI\u2019m sorry for bringing her up again,\u201d \u201cI won\u2019t always cry when I think of her.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Each time he interrupted his tales with one of these types of statements, my husband and I rushed to assure him that he did not need to apologize or explain. \u00a0We welcomed his stories.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sharing these stories with us was something he seemed to need to do; yet he felt bad about doing it. \u00a0He judged himself and assumed that we would not be interested in listening. \u00a0The truth is that both my husband and I felt honored to spend time with this gentleman and his tales. \u00a0Through them, we felt like we were introduced to a lovely woman whom we will never meet, we were reminded of some valuable life lessons, and we felt enfolded in a love that surpasses death.<\/span><\/p>\n

Each of those gifts, however, was a bonus of sorts for us, for we were not attending to these stories for our sake at all. \u00a0We listened as our way to offer grief support.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

In contemporary Western culture, it often seems that we have deemed the sole purpose of storytelling to be entertainment. \u00a0If something shared with us does not grab our interest, we disengage. \u00a0We get frustrated to hear stories repeated again and again. \u00a0\u00a0We have confused our role as listener with that of audience member.<\/span><\/p>\n

To be sure, sometimes we do amuse one another with our stories; however, those of us who are bereaved have entirely different needs that can only be fulfilled when others hear to our narratives.<\/span><\/p>\n

I listen to stories as grief support continually \u2013 and not just when I led bereavement support groups. \u00a0If we pay close attention, we notice that such narratives are being shared everywhere in the midst of mourning:<\/span><\/p>\n

A young mother who longs to talk about her toddler\u2019s death but whose family members tell her she needs to \u201cmove on\u201d.<\/span><\/p>\n

The man whose parent, in the final stages of Alzheimer\u2019s, no longer recognizes him.<\/span><\/p>\n

A minister whose spiritual community fell apart, leaving her without a family of choice and without anyone to listen as she navigates this rocky terrain of grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

The bereaved and their stories are everywhere.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Indeed, the other day, my daughter and I rushed into the grocery store to pick up \u201cjust one item\u201d. \u00a0\u00a0Grabbing a loaf of bread in the bakery, we noticed an elderly woman with a motorized shopping cart; she was struggling to lift something off a shelf. \u00a0When we offered to help, she replied, \u201cYes, please,\u201d then paused and continued, \u201cMy husband always used to come shopping with me.\u201d \u00a0Glancing at my daughter, I sent her the non-verbal cues she has come to recognize as \u201cSettle in; we are going to be here awhile.\u201d \u00a0And I asked the woman to tell me about her husband. \u00a0She shared stories of their life together — of burnt toast and his long-dead mother, of his heritage and their home — not for my sake. \u00a0I never even learned her name and likely will not see her again. \u00a0She told these stories because she is grieving. \u00a0And telling stories is often what grieving people do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Bereavement care specialist Alan Wolfelt tells us, \u201cWe must say hello before we can say goodbye.\u201d \u00a0(see <\/span>\u00a0https:\/\/www.centerforloss.com\/<\/a><\/span> for more information on Wolfelt\u2019s Organization, Center for Loss and Life Transition, and his extensive bibliography). \u00a0Our culture, he explains, rushes us through the grieving process; we push ourselves and others to end relationships when a death occurs. \u00a0What we really need at that point, though, is to continue the relationship; we need to reassure ourselves that it actually happened, to explore it, and to honor it.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

People across the planet throughout time have known this. \u00a0They have told stories of their dead loved ones for the remainder of their days. \u00a0In contrast, in the past few decades many Westerners have been met with judgment and disregard when they have attempted to do the same. \u00a0Even some therapists often urge clients to complete their narratives as a way to \u201cmove on\u201d with their lives.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fortunately, others, like Wolfelt, emphasize the indispensable role of storytelling in grief care. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Two books published last year significantly expand this conversation. \u00a0Both Patrick O\u2019Malley and Megan Devine were therapists who had treated many bereaved clients. \u00a0When O\u2019Malley\u2019s infant son died and when Megan\u2019s husband drowned, however, each realized how inadequate that care may have been. \u00a0Plunged into the blackness of grief, each of these individuals felt entirely unsupported through their field of expertise; therapy failed them both.<\/span><\/p>\n

Devine\u2019s <\/span>It\u2019s Ok That You\u2019re Not Ok: \u00a0Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn\u2019t Understand<\/a><\/span><\/i> and O\u2019Malley\u2019s <\/span>Getting Grief Right: \u00a0Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss<\/span><\/i><\/a>\u00a0each use the authors unique grief experiences as narratives through which they critique contemporary constructions of grief. \u00a0By demonstrating our culture\u2019s tendency to pathologize grief and the resultant injury this can cause, both volumes explore ways we can better support ourselves and one another as we experience the human condition of grief.<\/span><\/p>\n

And they each determine that storytelling is an essential component to this support.<\/span><\/p>\n

O\u2019Malley notes, \u201cIt soon dawned on me that, through their stories, my clients were being liberated from external rules or expectations and thus could grieve in a much more natural way\u201d. \u00a0Sharing narratives can help us change the way grief itself is experienced as well as the ways it is understood and interpreted.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are as many reasons for and ways to use stories in grief care as there are individuals who grieve. \u00a0Some of those that occur often are:<\/span><\/p>\n

To Make The Loss Real:<\/span><\/span> \u00a0The man caring for a parent with Alzheimer\u2019s Disease often wonders if he is \u201cmaking too much of the situation\u201d; his mother, after all, is still alive. \u00a0When his stories of her failing memory are met with statements like \u201cAt least you had many decades with her,\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s fortunate she did not die quickly,\u201d he questions his felt experience of deep loss. \u00a0Devine advises, \u201cTelling the truth about grief is the only way forward: \u00a0your loss is exactly as bad as you think it is.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

To Have Our Pain Witnessed<\/span><\/span>:<\/span> \u00a0Studies in Neuropsychology prove that from our earliest days we need our experiences to be witnessed with loving presence in order for us to integrate them into our lives in healthy ways. \u00a0The minister who suffered the loss of an entire spiritual community spent years searching for someone to listen to her story, to have her pain reflected back to her. \u00a0As Devine notes, \u201cTo feel truly comforted by someone, you need to feel heard in your pain. \u00a0You need the reality of your loss reflected back to you \u2013 not diminished, not diluted.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

To Re-Write the Past<\/span><\/span>:<\/span> \u00a0Devine share, \u201cHumans are storytelling creatures: \u00a0it\u2019s why we have cultural mythologies, creation stories, and movies. \u00a0Telling the story of this loss over and over \u2013 it\u2019s like we\u2019re looking for an alternate ending. \u00a0A loophole. \u00a0Some way the outcome might have changed. \u00a0Could still change. \u00a0Maybe we missed something. \u00a0If we can only get the story right, none of this would be happening.\u201d \u00a0The young mother has replayed that day countless times in her mind, hoping for a different outcome \u2013 one in which she doesn\u2019t find her son lying on his bed, lifeless.<\/span><\/p>\n

To Continue the Relationship<\/span><\/span>:<\/span> \u00a0The woman in the grocery store was in some way keeping her husband alive by introducing my daughter and me to him through her stories. \u00a0As O\u2019Malley writes, grief isn\u2019t \u201cgetting over loss\u201d; it is \u201clearning to live with it and to use the grief narrative as a way to preserve a bond with the one who died.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

This storytelling can come in forms other than spoken narratives, of course. \u00a0Some of us will paint images, some will dance our tales, some will sing them to the heavens. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Like the gentleman at the party, we each have treasure chests full of story gems. \u00a0When we are grieving, most of us need to take those jewels out frequently, to hold them to the light, to turn them around and examine their facets. \u00a0If you are one who is holding such a gem right now, please find someone whom you trust and share it with them. \u00a0If you are one who is blessed to be shown such a gem, please witness it and honor it. \u00a0By doing so, you are not only supporting a bereaved individual; you are also helping to change the course of grief care in our world.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019m sorry. \u00a0Someday I\u2019ll be able to talk about her without breaking up,\u201d the man assured my husband and me. \u00a0Sitting across from him at a party, we were blessed to hear stories about his beloved wife who had died two years before. \u00a0Tales of dances and car rides during their courtship, narratives of their years raising children together, and accounts of her cancer journey and final days \u2013 one by one he took these precious gems from the treasure chest of his memory and presented them to us. \u00a0Woven throughout these stories were apologies and promises: \u201cI\u2019m sorry for […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"episode_type":"","audio_file":"","cover_image":"","cover_image_id":"","duration":"","filesize":"","date_recorded":"","explicit":"","block":"","filesize_raw":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n